Sex Please
by Ukaisha
Summary: Takuya asks Kouji a random question completely out of no where, surrounded by random people. Hilarity ensues in poor-quality crack. SEX PLZ


Disclaimer: The author takes absolutely no stake or claim on any characters mentioned.  
Warning: Shounen-ai, the word "sex" over and over again, but it never happens. Huh.

A/N: Silly shit. DON'T HATE ME! I'm just trying to pull myself out of the worst writer's block I've ever suffered before. Oh God; it hurts.  
Be fairly warned: The following is shit. You have been warned: the following is shit. Thank you.  
This needs to happen in more fanfics. One guy says, hey, let's do it, and the other guy is like, okay, let's do it, and they do it, and the story ends. THAT'S IT.  
SEX PLZ.  
Funfact: This story is a "Super Drabble," a story containing exactly 2,000 words, according to Microsoft Word.

* * *

_Sex Please_

Takuya very dramatically slammed his hands on the table, and stood up, leaning in seriously for a further dramatic effect. "Kouji, we need to have sex."

Not only was this a strange thing to say in the middle of a cafe to someone completely on the other end of a table, but it was also a strange thing to say when surrounded by four other people, such as Junpei, Izumi, Tomoki, and Kouichi, who all had one amusing "disbelief face" or another to show after hearing this demand, and then very slowly, very expectantly turned towards Kouji for his response.  
Kouji himself simply avoided their eyes, imitated putting a pistol to his head, and fired.  
"I'm serious!"  
"You...want to do it right NOW?" incredulously asked Junpei.  
"You mean you haven't yet?" demanded Izumi.  
"Shouldn't this kind of thing be private?" meekly wondered Tomoki.  
"Kouji, stop attempting fake suicide...it's really melodramatic," scolded Kouichi. Kouji had already moved on to taking a knife from the table and fake cutting his wrists.

Thankfully, the rest of the diners in the cafe seemed to be ignoring them. This allowed Takuya to bulldoze on, and to overwhelm the voices of reason trying to respond to him.  
"We've been going out for like three years, damnit!"  
"Two and a half," Kouji corrected.  
"WE NEED TO HAVE SEX, NOW."  
"This is normally something private," Junpei whispered to Tomoki.  
"But Takuya doesn't care," finished Izumi.  
"It's not fair that you keep making me wait!"  
"What brought this on?" wondered Kouichi to Kouji, who was currently attempting to choke himself to death.  
"And I'm tired of it! I want us to leave and go home, right now, and have sex!"  
He said this a little too loudly; other diners did look over their shoulders in total disbelief.  
"Why do you want to do it so badly all of a sudden?" Kouichi asked again, insisting on an answer.  
"Because I WANT to have SEX, damnit! I'm tired of jerking off all the time!" Izumi giggled, the other three began to look disturbed. Kouji had moved on to attempting to drown himself in his water, and was saying through it, "Why me, why me?"  
"Takuya-onii-chan?" Tomoki tugged on Takuya's shirt to get his attention. "Maybe there are more appropriate places to do this?"  
"No! We must settle this NOW."

"Fine." Kouji dramatically slammed his water glass down for a loud, satisfyingly dramatic noise. "Get on the table." All five children now turned to Kouji in utter amazement, and this included Takuya, who was now exhibiting his own "disbelief face."  
"What?"  
"Get on the table and take your pants off."  
"Alright!" cheered Izumi, who was rummaging through her purse for her cell-phone so she could take pictures.  
"In front of Tomoki?" complained Junpei, who promptly covered Tomoki's eyes.  
"Well, I'm thirteen, it's not like I've never seen it before." Junpei did not ask and simply removed his hands, a little creeped.  
"Kouji, there are less disturbing ways to prove a point," begged his brother, but now Kouji was standing, dramatically, with his hands on the table and leaning in for extra effect.  
"Get on the table now."  
"I didn't say I wanted sex at this very _moment_," Takuya said indignantly.  
"Do it; you're the one who said we had to settle it NOW." Kouji undid his belt; Izumi took a few pictures while the other three looked away; and he held it in his hand, snapping it in the air like a whip. "Get on the table."  
"No way! But the bathrooms are probably empty..." Takuya ended hopefully.  
"Either you get on the table, or we are guaranteed not to have sex for a full year."  
"Man, come on, Kouji," Takuya complained. "That's so not fair!"  
"That's harsh," Kouichi muttered to Izumi.  
"Make a choice. Table, or nothing."  
"Can't we go home? There's a table there!"  
"Table, or nothing."  
"I can't believe your balls!"  
"Table, or you'll definitely never see them.  
For a second, Takuya looked like he might actually climb on top of the table and take off his pants, but then he just fell back into his chair and crossed his arms, mumbling and grumbling. The diners around them looked extremely relieved.

Kouji calmly sat back down, and redid his belt. Izumi was forced to replace her cell-phone without any yaoi-esque pictures, and she was very disappointed to do so. Takuya and Kouji resumed eating normally.  
"I'm a little confused," Kouichi said, a little loudly, definitely expecting an answer.  
"Ditto," agreed Junpei.  
"I'm probably scarred for life..." mumbled Tomoki.  
"I just wanted sex!" Takuya whined. "That's all I wanted, damnit! And that guy can't give it to me! I just want to have sex like a normal couple; is that so wrong?"  
"You're about as far from a normal couple as possible," pointed out Junpei, and Takuya proceeded to mumble and grumble.

"What's the deal?" Izumi asked of Kouji, who shrugged.  
"Takuya has wanted sex since the first night we went out. I thought it was way too soon; I mean, we were only thirteen, and I wanted us to wait. But he just kept pestering me about it. Finally, I told him that if he could last three months without asking me, I'd do it. But he keeps breaking his promise and he keeps making me tack on more time." He grinned. "According to Takuya's horrendous track record, we won't be having sex until something like...June, 2029."  
"Oh, GOD, don't remind me. It gives me blue balls just thinking about it!"  
"The offer's still on the table," Kouji said innocently, and the other four children hid laughter as various sound effects. Because it was a funny pun.  
"Bathroom?" Takuya said hopefully.  
"Table."  
"Bathroooom."  
"Table."  
"Come on, you heartless bastard!"  
"Table, or I'll tack on another six months."

The unthinkable happened; Takuya jumped out of his seat, put both hands on the table, and pulled himself on top of it. Kouji's face was absolutely priceless, as were the new and improved "wtf" faces of the other four chosen children.  
"Come on, bastard, I'm on the table." Takuya spun himself around until his rear was facing Kouji, and to further add to the drama, he pulled down just the back of his pants and his boxers, essentially mooning him. "And my pants are down. Happy now?"  
Kouji's soul floated away.  
"Excuse me, boys..." Izumi sniffled indignantly, but the other five looked up. A very serious looking man was looking very serious. "I think it's time you children left."  
"But I was about to get it from Kouji!" Takuya complained, not at all concerned that he was flashing his naked rear to this strange man he did not know.  
"But we haven't finished eating," Junpei complained.  
"I haven't got a good picture of Takuya's ass yet!" Izumi whined.  
"I haven't decided if I'm really disturbed or sort of amused yet," Tomoki complained.  
"I have to resuscitate my brother before he's gone forever," whined Kouichi.  
Kouji was still currently a lifeless vegetable.  
"Get out of my restaurant."  
And they did.

"Well, gee, thanks, Takuya, now we'll never get to eat there again," Junpei mumbled.  
"Come on Taku, pull your pants down again one more time," wheedled Izumi. "I didn't get a good shot of you!"  
"Does anyone have a defibrillator?" asked Kouichi, who was shuffling around with Kouji on his shoulder. "We might still be able to save him."  
"He was asking for it," admitted Tomoki. "He kept insisting that Takuya-onii-chan get on the table..."  
"And I did!" Takuya pulled his boyfriend off of Kouichi's shoulder and stood him straight, forcing him to look him in the eye. "I got on your stupid table and I took my flippin' pants off. YOU OWE ME SEX!"  
"He has a point, Kouji." Izumi was grinning evilly.  
"So no, I am not waiting like twenty years for you to give me sex! You will go home with me, and we will do it!"  
"Good luck," said Kouichi cheerfully. He pat his brother on the shoulder. "Do your best."  
Kouji found just enough strength to glare helplessly at his brother in his best "Help me plz" face.  
"Everyone has to grow up sometimes, I guess. It's a right of passage."  
"Yeah, very important."  
This was Izumi's queue to come in, but she was busy with her cell-phone at the ready. Kouichi nudged her, and she sighed unhappily.  
"I guess we'll just leave then."  
"No, no don't abandon me!" Kouji wailed.  
They abandoned him.  
"I can't believe you guys just abandoned me!" he called angrily after them, but Takuya was getting extra close with him at the moment, and his attention drifted elsewhere. Oh, man, he wasn't putting his hand THERE was he?!  
…Hey…actually…that was kind of nice.

"Come on, Kouji," Takuya insisted. "Let's go do it."  
"I'm going to kill you."  
"If it makes you feel better, I'll let you choke me while we do it."  
"Can't I just choke you now?"  
"Only if you're a necrophiliac, because YOU OWE ME SEX."  
"FINE. You'll get your sex."  
"Really?" Kouji rolled his eyes and sighed very dramatically, as if totally exasperated. He was only doing this just because Takuya wouldn't shut up; that was definitely the only reason.  
"Really."  
"…Wow…."  
"Wow what?"  
"I didn't think you'd ACTUALLY give me sex. I kind of don't want it anymore."  
"Are you serious?" Kouji demanded, and Takuya shrugged.  
"If you weren't so easy Kouji, maybe I'd be more interested." Takuya just let go of his boyfriend and waved his hand in the air. "Anyway, let's go see a movie or something."

Kouji was standing very still, glaring at Takuya, sort of angrily, sort of in desperation.  
"What's wrong with you?"  
Kouji looked down. Takuya followed his eyes.  
"I got all excited and everything," Kouji spat angrily at his pants, and Takuya grinned.  
"Jeeze, you horny jerk. That's really lame; can't you control yourself?"  
"What's THAT supposed to mean?" Kouji demanded again, and Takuya did not bother to answer.  
"Anyway, let's go see that movie! Come on!" And he began frolicking along.  
"WAIT A MINUTE YOU IDIOT!" Kouji roared after him. "WHAT IF I WANT SEX NOW?!"  
"Control your hormones, God, you lusty beast!" Kouji began running after him, and Takuya stopped happy frolicking; he began running too, laughing all the while.  
"You promised ME we'd do it, and now you're running away?!"  
"Jesus, sex isn't the end of the world, Kouji! Take a cold shower or something!" Takuya was grinning. He looked over his shoulder, and saw hell itself running towards him.  
Now he ran for his life.  
"COME BACK HERE SO WE CAN HAVE SEX ALREADY!"  
"Only if you catch me!"

Takuya ran, and ran, and ran, and Kouji had no idea where they were running to until he finally came across a gate, and Takuya ran inside. Kouji followed, and they came to a door-  
They've arrived at his house. His own house! And Takuya was beckoning him inside.  
"Come on, catch me if you can." He winked.  
"You…you still wanted it all along. You were just screwing with me."  
"Yep, I was just making sure you wanted it too." Kouji looked very capable of murder at the moment.  
"And I ran ALL that FREAKIN' WAY…and you were just TOYING with me!..."  
"First one to the bed is the seme," Takuya called quickly before he rushed inside, and Kouji stopped ranting; he ran after him.  
Even if he'd just completely ruined his cool image with that whole bother, he was under no circumstances going to lose the race to the bed, and under no circumstances would he let that horny, mischievous boyfriend of his be on top.

He'd lost this time, but he'd been expecting that; he'd been fighting off the powerful urge for months. No matter; now he'd be starting a new game. If he couldn't deny Takuya sex, there were plenty of things DURING sex he could deny him…  
Heh, oh, what fun, evil deeds lay ahead.


End file.
